Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.