My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters