If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM