What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.