I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
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I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
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Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?