There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT