Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.