She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I can't turn off my feet"
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.