Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I can't turn off my feet"