Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.