I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
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He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor