Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
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He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
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do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.