So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
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I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"