You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
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Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.