I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.