I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'