He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
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There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
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Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character