You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.