There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
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I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
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I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.