Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?