Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
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I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
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I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?