No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.