So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
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Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
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He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous