The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.