Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.