Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.