If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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