From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Let's paint friendship bongs
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that