that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
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According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
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He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...