When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.