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I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
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