It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Stuck it in his pooper.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
lets start a swedish sibling band together