You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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