I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.