I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.