Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?