i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
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That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
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The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.