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I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
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