Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
so let's talk penis.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to