You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?