I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
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first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
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As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore