Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.