Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears