Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.