I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
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He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
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His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.