Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird