Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
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The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
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I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life