Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
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I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
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The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.