Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.