My bed is full of blood and feathers
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.