Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Dating After Heartbreak
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so