my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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