Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?