I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.