I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
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Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
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Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole