Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.