I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.