Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat