I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.