We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.