You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
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You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
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This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant