I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year