Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else