Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?