I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card