All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.