He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
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Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
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After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away