How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
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Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
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He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate