How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate