Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"