I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies