I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.