I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.