This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
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A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
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I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.