I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!