The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
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Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
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I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.