lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
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Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
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it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.