I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake